Some of my mom friends and I recently stumbled into a conversation about gross experiences with our kids. It’s a topic in which we are all—unfortunately—experts, and each time a woman would regale us with a new tale of explosive poop, we’d all commiserate with an all-knowing nod. “Yes,” the nod implies. “That’s happened to me, too.”
Experienced parents often feel the need to give new or expecting parents a heads-up on what to expect, but there is just so much. How can a tired mom remember it all? Well, I got a good night’s sleep, I’m heavily caffeinated and I’ve got some stories to tell.
Floor Food
1 of 10
You know you're a mom when you're under the table at a Mexican restaurant picking up food your son has dropped during a meal. "How many seconds is that rule again?" On one particular occasion, I picked up a piece of steak, even though we hadn't ordered anything with steak. Sorry, every establishment we've eaten in since—my floor cleaning duties are over.
Kids are gross, and parents are gross by association. There are a good number of years that we live practically covered in someone else's bodily fluids. We become proficient in catching vomit with our hands. We carry around extra clothing for both the kids and ourselves, and we know that a shirt with only two stains on it is "clean." Eventually, the kids start wiping boogers on the wall instead of on us, and we consider that a win.
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More Kids ActivitiesUrine Trouble
3 of 10
Anyone who's changed a baby boy knows that as soon as the air hits his nether regions, the chances for the sprinkler effect increase approximately 94 percent. Once, while changing my son's diaper, I didn't get the new diaper on as quickly as necessary. On this fateful day, a drop of his piddle landed squarely in my mouth. Sadly, I still think I'd take this situation over a projectile poo that shoots on the wall.
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More Kids ActivitiesVolcano Baby
4 of 10
My daughter never peed in my face, but she was a spit-up legend. The volume of regurgitated milk that would shoot out of her mouth was inconceivable—I can't believe she ever gained any weight. I never knew when she would erupt, either, as she smiled immediately before and immediately after—not even a whimper of warning. She's 7 years old now, and I still occasionally find an old splatter of hers on the wall or the floor when we move furniture.
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More Kids ActivitiesDon't Eat That!
5 of 10
Before having kids, I didn't know how good pre-chewed food could taste. This is information no one should have to know, but I was tired and not paying attention to the piece of orange placed in my hand by a chubby toddler, and now I'm no better than my dog—eating food others have already taken a stab at. With toddlers, half your vocabulary is different versions of "Don't eat that," as you meagerly attempt to stop countless disgusting things going in their face holes. Rocks, dog food, lollipops—if it fell in the dirt, they'll want to eat it.
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More Kids ActivitiesGrody Games
6 of 10
I like playing games, but "Chocolate or Poop?" isn't one of my favorites. Just assume it's poop—no matter what.
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More Kids ActivitiesSnot That
7 of 10
My kids love boogers, which is one of the greatest disappointments of my life. My daughter eats them and my son wipes them on any available surface. His favorite spots are on the car upholstery, his mattress and the wall of his bedroom. Some kids collect baseball cards—mine collect huge, slimy snot balls.
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More Kids ActivitiesRandom Gum
8 of 10
Once, I caught my daughter, then about 3 years old, picking at the gum off the bottom of a table at Dunkin' Donuts. I didn't see any enter her mouth, thank goodness, but I can't say for certain it didn't happen.
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More Kids ActivitiesFloor Food
9 of 10
You know you're a mom when you're under the table at a Mexican restaurant picking up food your son has dropped during a meal. "How many seconds is that rule again?" On one particular occasion, I picked up a piece of steak, even though we hadn't ordered anything with steak. Sorry, every establishment we've eaten in since—my floor cleaning duties are over.
Kids are gross, and parents are gross by association. There are a good number of years that we live practically covered in someone else's bodily fluids. We become proficient in catching vomit with our hands. We carry around extra clothing for both the kids and ourselves, and we know that a shirt with only two stains on it is "clean." Eventually, the kids start wiping boogers on the wall instead of on us, and we consider that a win.
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